branches
stripped bare
leaves
find passage
through air
kaleidoscopes of color
ride waves
the whirlwind
to an fro

fall

letting go the mind
no matter
as the heart
finds its pitter patter
life swells
abates
and reverberates
with hope and hurt
as life turns

fall

the sun transitions
seasonally less light
but more exposure
no longer meshed green
branches cast shadows
across meadowlands
laid in leaves
burnt earthy colors
retuning

fall

eventualities
yes, they’re there
the mind goes to
what may or may not be
the heart has little care
taking in the moment
light, life, color
un-shaded, unabated
heartfelt

fall

crisp morning greets
breath in the air
a frost covered landscape
crunches beneath footsteps and paws
fall has come
leaves scattered
yet all have gathered
as life does
and repeats

fall

marked in colorful beauty
a prelude of thanksgiving
of those close
and pulling us closer
in autumn’s season
hold us
breathe us
return us in grace
in time and care

fall…

hidden in the depths of receding hope
emotion pooled up and waiting
for the ripple to release
and suddenly
there you are
a drop of water
falling into stillness
impact
life’s percussion
splattering
shattering
to every circle of imagination
waves of regret
no longer held
washing away
bare
cleansed
breathing
soul
whole
again

what does really set you free
you

letting go of the past…
choices
letting go of the future…
now choices
letting go of what time takes
wrinkles on a face
you are seen

no greater gift
than eyes that say
you ‘re free to be
acceptance
with everything to gain
hope, no fear
in a passing mirror glance
the reflection
confirms the smile
and is returned

the realization
of you
what you already knew
okay to be
seeing and breathing
feeling and beating
open heart
arms open
to a notion
life’s graces fill
the expanse of an ocean

your high tide has come
a chance
to see
to just be
to float
on the waves of discovery

you are moving towards the understanding
that you don’t have regrets
but instead you have things that make your heart feel
wounded, some self-inflicted, but all healing
aching that slowly turns into a part of life’s journey

memories
not closed off
but opened up
touching what was
and what it is
and means to love
it is not enough to just be seen
you have to see in return
and believe
in the shared history

to love…
sometimes letting go
actually lets someone in
to see
to be seen
forever more

she was known as lois
born lois eleanor hurd
two marriages losing both husbands (by the time i was born)
lois kissinger, then lois mossman
but to me, she was always granny lois

i am part of the fabric of her legacy…
• 4 kids
• 14 grandchildren
• 30 great- grandchildren
• 22 great-great- grandchildren
so many have gathered on this day
to remember and to celebrate
this remarkable women in our lives

and so many memories
are reiterated in laugher and tears
her smile that grew big
when amusement struck her fancy
the laugh that would sparkle and crackle
laugher is where she allowed herself to cut loose
and her wit so sharp and amazing
could bring down the room

yet, she was private and guarded
with her emotions
yet connected to life
and shared in your journey
a humble balance of humility
being connected to humanity
as only she could do
a class for all time

she did not like big crowds
as life was an intimate balance
yet many gathered today
in her honor
she would have been momentarily perplexed
until seeing the non-traditional gathering
that paid homage to her on her terms and in her way
and i am sure she laughed when the music did not play on cue
“ode to joy” a beethoven classic
sent the funeral director and family friend into a panic
these kinds of “life” moments were made for her

she was independent
and believed in independence for all
she drove until she was 95
slow, as she was never in a rush
a meticulous being
with everything in its place
dare you not rearrange it
as she knew every move you’d made
and it would return to its rightful state

she had opinions
and politics were a passion
she listened to all sides
as she had very formed opinions
and was better informed than anyone i knew
registered democrat
she said she’d live to vote w out of office
and she did

words were her life
even though there were times she had very few
as she was the most astute listener i knew
and there was not a better judge of character
yet nary a judgment did she make
as it was not her place

music filled her days
always a beat in her mind
as she played the organ by ear
the gift of being in tune
generations and genres
classical, disco, rock…
she loved all music as we all knew
the service found ave maria, beethoven
the voice of a great-granddaughter lifting up “on eagles’ wings”
and “night fever” by the bee gees ushering the congregated out
a particular favorite of hers
music was in her soul
it came organically and instantly
it was always a part of her
even when i last saw her this past christmas eve
my slight humming while watching a christmas cartoon
peaked her attention as she asked what i was singing
and i sang a little
she clapped her hands in delight
music created a moment for us
dementia may have stolen pieces of her memory
but music still transcended and connected us
glimpses of who we will always be

she was a world traveler
yet never really traveled that much of the world
but her mind traveled
reading national geographic cover to cover
it was the perfect christmas gift for her
she read books, watched tv
embraced the world
positive in its differences
diversity equated wonderment
yearning to understand, share and care
her world was full of concern for others
who had less
who struggled

my aunt and cousin summed it up so eloquently in the service
she had heart
not of her
but for the world
compassion and acceptance
for all people (she embraced their lives and all that which they held)
for all animals (even the flies that got in the house, which she all named homer)
she instilled this in all of us
the human capability to see beyond differences to find understanding and connection
she had heart for all things
these words rang true for all of us
as there was not a dry eye in the room
on a personal level
my life, my differences, my partner
all found an open door to granny lois’s heart
we were always welcomed and i never much thought about it
it was a given and given freely
how i wish for one long last hug

if i can carry this legacy into my life
an open heart to all things
it is all that she would ask of me
except for maybe to play the bee gees

memories will hold
although we’ll miss
this grand woman
the heart of all hearts
mother and grandmother to all in her care
dear granny lois

facebook photo gallery

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=751038064&aid=351979

this morning
so quiet
so subdued
cloud covered stillness
wrapped in misty sighs
steaming coffee cup
dreaming eyes
awakened by
ricocheting sounds
as autumn’s return is announced

tap
tap tap
rap a tap tap tap

a rolling rhythm
as acorns release
fall
contact
dancing across the deck

tap
rap a tap tap tap
tap

interlude of quietness
until the next volley

this morning
fall is not here in color
but it is audible
it is expected
but not anticipated
this year
the season will change
but the want of…
not so willing
weathered green is still visible
the heating of summer ‘s mark
still beating

rap a rap a tap
tap tap

change is inevitable
journeys
destinies
outcomes
i’ve lost, loved and lived

time keeps marching on
memories
reflections
regrets
i’ve forgotten, forgiven, foreseen

a moment erupts
tap
tap
rap a tap
tap

past and present
reconciliation
to future
mortality
time
and you
can see

there is no replay
there is no pause
there is only you
to see through

rap a tap

for the moment
is not a notice
it is now
a treasure greater
than any measure
when you can hold it
without looking
ahead

tap

(dedicated to lucas the most amazing chocolate lab)

the yearly fall trek to the park, jeffery, austin and lucas in spirit

tied on in a circle to complete

the fabric of friendship continuous…

three amigos – born under the sign of the ram – mark the moment and our next journey, together a given but not for granted as true friendship bleeds…

East coast wired brain on west coast ground

Wakeful and restless 

Lost sleep and missing dreams

Transferred to consciousness and wakefulness

Yet awakening

So seize the day

Translated – I need coffee

Quiet LA weekend streets

iPod music interlude

Walking and waking

Each step following footsteps before

And leading those after

Tried and true paths 

And trailblazers combined  

The cycle and circle of life  

Interplays with the moment

Hello dreams

And a bold grande coffee

The day awaits

For the burning

The marine layer dissipating 

Sunlight casting 

Shadows and complexities

Of who we are

Hidden by who we want to be

A new day

Another chance to be…

a trip to the tennessee veterans’ cemetery

our liberty, their memory

united today

tombstones lined still

flags in unison waving

for the fallen in their prime

or warriors returned home, until they rested

combined and all patriotic

a view from a hill

i imagined the circumstances as they memorialized their loved ones

a mom and young kids, anguish streaming down their eyes, the grief new as the fresh dirt

a matriarch and grandson, reminiscing of a time long ago

a woman, flowers clutched, looking from tombstone to tombstone to recognize

a brother and sister, finally making eye contact, hugging and walking away arm in arm

and a dear elderly woman walking slowly out of the graves, stopping to right a flag knocked over, pays her respect to the unknown soldier and smiles – a moment of unity for all – her smile will stay with me for some time…

my partner’s dad has been in assisted living for a couple weeks now after living with us for a year and half. long story short, we could not care for his constant needs as Alzheimer’s stole his independence from him and us.

assisted living for him. it is bittersweet for us. it is better for him to have a routine and round the clock observation, but you feel guilty no matter.

my partner’s dad is doing a bit better though… talking a bit more. adjusting to a new home. my partner visits a lot. his dad is very lucky.

we talked about his visit tonight. stories that made us laugh. and made us cry. a microcosm of life sunsetting. and my partner said about the place. “all they have is what is behind them, there is nothing in front of them”. and we both cried.

i’ll never forget the first time
i saw your face
that smile
it’s something i’ll never replace
a hundred flickering lights
a thousand dancing shadows
fireworks in the distance
wine to warm the soul
the music… as if i picked it
so much wonder from the glow

what is it about you
that’s so familiar
so dear
what is it about you
that’s asking me
to hold you near

time brought you around
a moment of stargazing
and then it went away
hoping for someday

i didn’t know you
but i wouldn’t say we’d never met
for those who drink of life in its purest form
breath it. savor it. and respect it.
those are the ones that share in the heart
so i didn’t know you
yet i could feel you
a presence so rare
an essence to share
a moment of truth
without any dare
a treasure that’s not taken
but given
that is the gift that you share
then came a second time
to share in your grace
that smile
a warmth i have not erased
my memory bursts into reality
as the excitement runs through
they physical and mental me
i want to sing and dance
i want to live in life’s each chance
i want all the sunlight
all the moon glow
i want to live…
when i’m around you

but then i realize
our lives our on different paths
we are only
the flickering candles
the dancing shadows
a burning flame
the comes and goes
while no one knows
my friend

could i fall for you
honestly
i already have a hundred times
could i love you
truly
a thousand shadows dancing could never lie
but where this exists
is not yet of our time
and may never be

what is it about you
what is it
about me
what is it about these feelings
that are free
but not we

soon you will leave
and i’ll be left feeling this
i’m sure i am not the only one
who has been touched by your glow
but this feeling is good
brought forth from the beauty that is you
as close to living as one can be
i’ll light another candle
and toast to the shadows dancing
thank you for the memory
the merriment
the wonder
until we meet again.

a crocus greeted me at dusk pushing up through last year’s worn mulch. a beacon bright yellow capturing my eye in the flower bed…

february farewell crocus in bloom

why is this significant? there is a lovely dar williams song called “february” that references this flower. a song from 1996 that i love dearly. it seems so relevant tonight as we say goodbye to february and hopefully this long cold winter.

Dar Williams – February lyrics
I threw your keys in the water, I looked back,
Theyd frozen halfway down in the ice.
They froze up so quickly, the keys and their owners,
Even after the anger, it all turned silent, and
The everyday turned solitary,
So we came to February.

The leaves were turning as we drove to the hardware store,
My new lover made me keys to the house,
And when we got home, well we just started chopping wood,
Because you never know how next year will be,
And well gather all our arms can carry,
I have lost to February.

have a listen if you like….