fall 2009
10.31.09
drop, splatter
pore down
nourishing
fall greening
living beyond a time of transformation
is transformational itself
rain, rain
again, it comes
moisture to skin
fall cleansing
standing in the rain may seem fruitless
but the clarity is so fruitful
this i know
it is the rain
that has lingered green
post the autumn equinox
and it is the rain
finally crashing fall down
wet leaves break free
falling en masse today
leaf, raindrop
leaf, raindrop
falls
into pattern
breaking loose
moisture and mist
clinging to color
falling into bliss
i wish
i wish
but not all can come true
come what may
but a dream must be set loose
to take flight
change awaits us
what we nourish
what we seed
what we give life to
what we are willing to believe
is what we reap
and autumn signals the gathering
the fruits of our labor
comes to bear
where i live
there has been a bountiful bumper crop
a gardener’s delight
spiritually
i wish that to be the case
trials and tribulations
seemingly setbacks
have clouded vision
until i realized…
living beyond a time of transformation
is transformational itself
and the rain came down
the leaves came down
my guard came down
and my guard went up
seemingly incongruous
but when you are in the moment
you will understand
it’s time for change
welcome
no matter what
a challenge to being
living and breathing
or dreams taking flight
change is nurtured
on its own timetable
and lived through
beautiful and chaotic
like a driving rain
guiding colorful leaves to the ground
what was prolonged
is no longer bound
rain, rain
again, it comes
moisture to skin
fall cleansing
standing in the rain may seem fruitless
but the clarity is so fruitful
this i know
heart jeffery
Add comment November 1, 2009
fall 2008
bright, and soon faded (fall 2008 – 11.8.08, 6:45am)
early morning awakens
unveiling the peak of autumn
the rise and fall
dark to light
a transitional glow
sun and clouds dancing
their interplay flashing
illuminations of color in a haze
lifting the heaviness
rain drenched and dew laden leaves
dry and seek to flap with the breeze
lifting my heart
in the moment
a reminder
precious life lingers by vibrantly
even when we cannot see
the day dawns
giving, yet passing
as color begins to fade
life transitions seen
letting go…
of love
and family ties
memories
seeing them slip in their eyes
a year of loss
but not in the physical sense
we are fallible when we fall
hurt and justice cohabitate
no mend is great enough
i witness the disintegration
while things fall as they may
for some new beginnings
for some bitter ends
for some it slowly slips from the mind
color fading away
i hold on to what i may
trying to reserve judgment and offer grace
dignity paramount
still loss is all around
only bits and pieces of us will be found
as the leaves come down
today
i am caught in the moment of fall
a season peak
there is everything that has come before
and everything that will come after
and there is now
color radiant
for those that choose to see
i can decide for myself
i can guide
i can let go and be let go of
if need be
yet, choice if funny
when you don’t get to choose
you lose
for some, the future, but not the past
for others, the past and the future age away
these words are not meant to be happy
nor are they meant to be sad
they reflect life
i am at an age.
a so-called peak.
hopefully even days between my befores and afters
a view with a vantage point
knowing loss and knowing gain
i refrain from a color loss
i choose
and hope my choice does not fade anyone else
love remains
memories stay
as long as there is someone to remember
beauty is and will be
moment to moment
and now, yellow, red, orange & brown
the burnish of these colors
a season
a time
a place
that has always transformed me
fall being
bright and soon faded
but still true
still you
still me
still
until…
Add comment October 31, 2009
fall 2007
fall waiting
october’s end knocks
chill air non-apparent
cooling no where
as green prevails
winds chase the flutter of color
to no avail
fall waiting
to be seen
under the cloak of summer
dog days dry on
fading the green
but not letting go
to autumn’s brush strokes
fall waiting
waiting for change is different
than change coming in due course
in rhythm with living…
waiting change is holding
a line in the sand
a measure to cross
and having something to let go of
when one does
waiting change would seem to be
more in control
but generally spins out of control
because of associated loss
it is change that can put you on hold
and change and on hold are not associated
or are they?
to wait for change
unsettles living change
in due course
but waiting for change
does not stop the cycle
living goes on
but we miss in the wait
holding on, not letting go
fall waiting
if i wait for the color explosion
it will not come this year
but the squirrel’s gather
the mum’s bloom
the hint of cool touches the morning
covering the green grass in heavy dew
the sign’s illuminate
if i want to see
waiting for the color
it will not come this year in full bloom
but faded and true in its glory
fall is coming
will i see
-jeffery fall 10.21.07
Add comment October 31, 2009
fall 2006
for a moment, just to stop.
fall 2006
truly, this has been the year when work stood squarely front and center in my life. fall was not a season, but mere glimpses. generally a dark drive to work… a dark drive home. until daylight savings time brought the sun and the shine to colorful leaves. my morning drive turned autumn glow. i could at least now see what i was missing, yet i was not stopping.
to be honest, the thought of gathering leaves this year felt like a chore. something on a list to get done. there is little quiet and reflection at the moment. a paramount quality to the season of fall for me. but the funny thing about dreading something, it sometimes ends up being the very thing you need. fall had found me. but i was unsure that i was going to find it.
yet on a crisp saturday morning, on the porch, cup of steaming coffee in hand, breath in the air, our maple trickling its red and yellow leaves to the ground, two labs were perched in the front yard. all eyes on me. were WE going to walk. play ball. what were WE going to do. austin and lucas (our two labs) are all about maximizing their time with us these days. david is working as much as i. he just bought a fitness club in knoxville. so if one or both of us is home, they demand our attention.
on this morning they watched. they waited. their eyes began to wander. my complacency shifting their focus. austin in his boredom decided to roll about on the ground kicking leaves into the air. the first ones i gathered. rolling about on the ground for a dog seems pretty frivolous. an expression of pure fun. something i wanted to feel. frivolity. needed to feel. fun. now i did not get down on the ground and roll around, but my priorities did change for the weekend. the drywall touch-up and sanding in the basement fell of the list. actually my sticky note lists… i crumpled them up and placed them in my pocket. not discarded by but put up for the weekend.
it became just the weekend. no work from my job. no chores at home. just beautiful crisp blue fall skies with autumn spectacularity. the last weekend of full color before everything faded into deep shades of brown. i gathered leaves. not in one journey, but throughout the journey of my weekend. the dogs and me hanging out. gather leaves. go workout. gather more leaves. stop by a CD shop. gather more leaves. work on the christmas card (which will involve leaves). gather more leaves. walk the dogs with david and gather leaves at the same time. this capped the weekend of my leaf gathering. sunday evening the pressing began as leaves filled the pages of magazines.
now dried, pressed, sorted and sent, may these leaves find you happy and hopeful on your path… your journey and may they remind you to stop and smell the roses as they say… or for me, stop and smell the fall. i leave you with the lyrics to seasons of love. a song from the broadway show rent which was made a movie last year. the music and its hopefulness always finds me this time of year. it musically represents what i was missing and what i have found. reflecting fall.
for a moment, just to stop.
Seasons Of Love (from the musical Rent)
COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes – how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In
inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes – how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.
SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes – how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or
the way that she died.
COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let’s celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember
the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
Add comment October 30, 2009
fall 2005
(a montage of colliding observations)
as the earth cools…from my vantage point, it’s very dry… fall awakens.
there is no moisture here to fatten the trees resistance to the earlier setting sun. … devoid of h2O, they have faded into the season. no fight. no final explosion of color to shake in the wind. not bright. nor bursting. this fall is muted beneath the vibrant blue skies.
and the skies are blue now. why? i can tell you why they are most blue here this time of year. the pollution has been freed from the valley where hot muggy days hazed it in. blue. so very bright blue when the sun shines through.
yet a bright sunny day does this fall no justice. it is the kind of fall that exposes the brilliance of its earthy colors beneath the clouds. the cover of grey overcasts rich oranges and reds… robust yellows and browns.
no need to look for a prism… a rainbow… a light source. no need to hold the kaleidoscope to the light . on the greyest of days right now, there is more color to catch the eye… if the eye is willing to catch . it’s not expected. grey day. bountiful color palette
but today it catches me. on this morning. this walk. this peak day in mid november, i touch the earthiest, ripest hues i have ever seen. gathering leaves. not only are their clouds above… there is fog. lifting. separating. layering and filtering light in every way. fall is beautiful, bursting and brilliant in my very hands. all around me. i see it. i smell it. the sky is not clear. but the air is. and the fragrance of fall… the earthiest smell i know. decomposing matter and moisture… awakens me.
i had spent the past couple weeks lamenting the dry weather. the drab fall that i had resigned myself to… and how wrong i was. it always seems fall can open my eyes when they are closed. and close my eyes when they are open.
my personal takeaway. i guess an expectation cannot always be a given and you cannot always give into an expectation. because what you see is not always what is being seen.
what determines what you see? the very thing you are looking at? or the environment around it? it all depends on you… and what you let yourself see. it’s probably a combination. but i rarely see the combination.
there have been days when i have been blind with my eyes wide open. it can hurt… and be hurtful i know. when you don’t see what you expect. more than likely it was there in its own beautiful earthy way… like the bright colors of fall on an overcast day.
-fall 2005
hello my fall weathered friends. i hope you are all doing well. i am still knoxville bound with the smokey mountains towering over me. i hope you are all doing well. two big things for me this fall. i got to enjoy my first convertible. 2001 black saab. i truly love it and david picked it out for me. and i have fought the struggle for the green. the lawn that is. overseeding… and ripping up the brown dead crab grass (that overtook the lawn) , reseeding, watering… watering…. watering… my reward… little green shoots coming up all over. yep, the irony of green sprouting in the final moments of fall.
enjoy the leaves. enjoy the colors. enjoy the smell. enjoy the beauty in all you see.
heart jeffery
Add comment October 29, 2009
fall 2004
11/ 14/04
my first frost in knoxville, tennessee under the smokey mountains.
the morning chill is visible through the windowpane. green blades of grass form icicles sticking skyward blanketing the backyard in crystal. the night dew is frozen as the dawn breaks. this morning i awake to falls final calling card.
frost.
there are some leaves that wait until fall’s frigid bend into the season. unlike the general colorful mass exodus from the october skies… they hold on well into november. to green. even though the cooling has signaled. even though the days are shorter. even though change is imminent… they hold to green nonetheless. while around them browns and bright colored leaves surround them. with pigmentation changed. photosynthesis declined. a cool breeze nips the loosened stems from the branches. leaves slipping colorfully free. parachuting to the ground. freedom. i’ve been watching this for the past month.
yet i also watch some green still shimmering above. pasted high against a blue sky basking in indian summer dreams. daylight furnishes the warmth that nighttime can no longer hold. until a morning… like this morning arrives.
frost.
hibernation mode ensues. the sap’s winter coolant fortifies the tree… for another year to form another ring. no longer can it fuel the green. change was held off. now it can no longer wait. green becomes brown, yellow, orange or red. whatever color it may, it will change and release. it is fall’s way. it cannot be denied. as there are times when we should not deny ourselves change. change means taking chances. freedom means breaking boundaries. to remember freedom sometimes you have to experience change. the human experience is about growth. we are always reaching for… yet sometimes are afraid to… change.
okay, i am way out on a limb now with this metaphor. green. fall. frost. change. freedom. so i’ll try to simplify it and leap. last year i contemplated change. this year i experienced it. as i usually do. a big spurt of everything at once. i tend to wait and worry and wait and wonder until i finally jump. i don’t gradually evolve, but i change in growth spurts and then retreat. like the green leaf late in fall, i’ll hold out forever. and yet finally arriving in knoxville at hgtv has been extremely liberating and life changing. not that atlanta and cnn were not at one time. it’s just i stayed past my time. i stayed green too long. i am very happy where i am now. very fortunate i have someone who will follow me. and am very lucky i found a job that utilizes me for all i am and where i can grow and change. how ironic the giant white oak in our backyard is still mostly green. and even more ironic are the two maples side by side in the front yard. one red. one green. but today’s frost will change that quickly. going forward, i hope to change by evolving more instead of building up to the dramatic jump. for my own sanity and for the folks around me. i’ll try to change with the seasons and not at the end of them.
for many of you receiving this, frost rarely if ever comes and green does not completely leave your environment. but wherever you are, there are still seasonal signs signaling change. whatever your metaphor. don’t hold on too long in a season. evolve or jump. change and remember freedom. and if ever i am staying green too long. remind me of fall. remind me of why i gather leaves. make me see the colors. as you have for all these years… my dear friends and family.
heart jeffery
Add comment October 27, 2009
fall 2002
fall 2002
10/14/02 quiet. this morning. no stop and start of cold air rushing through the ducts of our living space. no conditioned cool air to replace the warm moist layer that has been here for months. no need for it today. quiet. the walls of the interior have equalized with the exterior. a moment when the pressure inside and out has come to a balancing point. the level bubble finds its equilibrium. for a moment i focus on this. the quiet. the peace. for a moment i feel in it. for a moment. then i move. one dog comes to life quickly. the daily ambush. the other dog more slowly. there may be temperate peace, but that does not alter the dogs schedule.
so this day begins. dancing paws down the steps. the noise intensifies as they meet the hard wood floors. the five beeps from the alarm system free the passage to and from our home. i open the back door and the dogs scramble madly out onto the deck and down to the yard. they pretend they are going out so they can rush back up to eat. i step out of the house onto the back deck. the hush of darkness still has its hold upon the day. a dim back porch light illuminates my space. the only other tale tell sign of light is the sky… a clear sky…. that by its very nature is lighter than all the dark green that surrounds the landscape and me. i feel the equilibrium of temperature as i pass through the door. there is no chill. no goosebumps on my skin. everything seems equal… until i take a big breath and exhale. my breath flows out before me. visually i see a cloud of gas momentarily… its warmth disrupts the atmosphere… and then disappears. it is at odds with the evenness of the temperature around me… and therefore, there is a moment when i am at odds. then that moment is gone before i can capture it. it is a touch point that has not come to fruition yet.
suddenly something that i have been sensing within myself now has a visual representation. i let another deep breath exhale from my body. momentarily i see its molecules react in the air… and then dissipate from my very eyesight. although they are still reacting, i cannot see them. but they are still there colliding…dividing… expanding… equalizing,… the environment always tries to come back to balance. to strike an accord with itself. inhale. each action gets a reaction. yet for myself… my action… my internal soul guidance system… has yet to feel the reaction of that which lies dormant in me. exhale. the momentary imbalance is before me. then it leaves without a trace. its disappearance signals a balance that i cannot see. i am struck by this moment on our back deck. daylight starts to creep over the horizon and illuminates the beginning of my day… and signals the beginning of fall. not that the leaves are changing yet. because they are not. to look outside, the landscape is lush and green. september and october have been wet. clouds have brought rain. hurricanes have changed weather patterns. the skies have dropped continuous moisture to replenish the earth. rainwater has also leaked into the basement where french drains and a sump pump have fought a valiant fight. this has been no typical slide into fall. no bright blue skies and dry days. instead cloud cover. rain. mud. eight paws to wipe every time the dogs go in and out. no stagger of trees slowly changing colors giving way to a brilliant speckled landscape. it is green. the landscape awaits for the reaction that will soon come… like i await mine. today there is only action. only coolness and a clear sky to signal autumn’s return. there are no visuals of red, orange, yellow and brown leaves reacting clearly to the temperature drop to show fall’s arrival.
so this is where i find myself in the fall of 2002. one of those moments when i am uncertain of what will come. but i am certain that whatever it is, it will come. like the green leaves on the trees, they know they must change. but why? will forces change them? or will they change themselves? i think that is what is brewing inside of me. as i slide into another season in my life… i want to get there of my own free will. not life factoring into me but me factoring into life. this is no one’s doing but my own. i can let life happen. or i can make life happen. i take a deep breath and fill my lungs. action. i inhale the coolness… the strong smells of vegetation that has been ripened to its maximum potential through the summer season permeates my nasal cavity. action. i exhale emptying my lungs. in the early light of the morning the ghost of my breath floats momentarily before me and disappears. reaction. i know its coming. even though i cannot see it. the reds, oranges, yellows and browns of autumn. my reds, oranges, yellows and browns.
10/19/02 today i found fall. fall found me. but before i can get to that moment, i have to give the background. it didn’t just arrive. my eyes catching the red of the red buds turning would mean little without the impact of the emotion that carried me to that moment.
cancer. it does have that ability to make things insignificant. and it does have the ability to put things into perspective. i see a friend fighting. and i find myself fighting with her. and i must say that it was not easy to get myself to that point. to expose myself to all the facts that are happening. to expose myself to all the emotion. and the toughest thing of all, to allow myself to hope. hope that she so desperately needs to see around her. it requires you to believe. to fight. to be emotionally involved… with no regard for the outcome. what will the outcome be? can i get through this with that potential outcome at the end of the road. i’ve learned its not about outcomes. you cannot count on the odds to decide what you can hope for. you have to believe. you have to love. you have to hope. no matter. i have a lot of hope these days. i hope to god that i am giving her as much hope as she is giving me. when you have a chance, say a prayer for jessica.
saturday, october 19th, 2002. moving day. in the back of my mind, i knew this day was coming. the business of life has kept it at bay. but no longer… it is here. one of those days when you are saying goodbye… goodbye to that five minute drive to their house to hang out. goodbye to the coffeehouse chat about whatever it is on your mind. goodbye to the daily physical presence of someone in your life. that goodbye when someone close moves away. life has taken them in a different direction. a wonderful direction full of opportunity. you are so happy for them, but selfishly a part of you is sad. part of my daily routine is forever changed. there is a space that is empty. life will shuffle around. pieces will fall into place. equilibrium will try to return. like nature, we seek balance. but part of that balance are the friends who are forever a part of our lives. those that remain with us on the journey are those that hold the key to who we are. i watched chris drive out of town today. scott soon to follow. they have been family to us in atlanta.
so i drive away through yet another cloudy day. and as the scenery passes by, i find fall. i notice the red bud trees are red. it was as if they almost instantaneously became red. they are the first to go. as i drive the landscape seems to be changing about me. so very late in the season, fall appears. i have been feeling it. now i see it. the leaves of the red buds so red and vibrant against the absence of sunlight. so full of hope for the season. even though these cloudy rainy days, the color change cannot be staved off any longer. the burst of color beats to an autumn drum that cannot be silenced. sometimes we have to find our own colors and change regardless of our environment. sometimes we have to say goodbye even though we really know that we are not saying goodbye. but always we should have hope. it is what carries us forward. and i know it is a cliché, but hope is eternal. i understand that now.
11/10/02 for the third year in a row… late on a sunday evening… late in the year… i find myself drawn to my back deck. drawn to this kind of evening. a fall evening. fall. finally fall. i have felt the chill in the air. i have heard the crickets sing into the night. i have seen the leaves display their colors. i have tasted the abundant fruits and vegetables that the season brings. and now… finally now… i smell fall. and as i sit here i think, how do i describe it? it is earthy. damp. as vegetation is in slow decay. almost like the wetness is fermenting the leaves… the preparation of living matter to decompose into soil… there is a slight sweetness in this process. what once raised it. nurtured it. it now returns to. soil to seed to growth to maturity to decay to soil. cycles. living cycles. i think about us humans. do we cycle? we do in matter. but do we in spirit? and i realize that on this night, that tangent is way to wide to wonder off on. so i leave it for now. for another time with my pen.
this evening is so amazing. so comforting. so familiar. clouds blow by. wind gusts. branches shake. leaves fall. they fall around me. one gust blows them into a pile. the next gust blows them apart. they scatter about. change up. and gather again. different leaves. different piles. different places. around me. the night is so alive right now. there is so much motion. but me. i am the stillness… even the potted pansies in front of me on the table dance about. in some sense i do feel the stillness that is me. in this environment. but this stillness is not stillness of heart. i long. i want. i share. i ache. i need. i hope. but these things are not fully realized. i am at point A trying to get to point B. i’ve learned that the safest route to point B does not buy you much. patience is a virtue yes, but they don’t tell you that it can also be a vice. there is something to be said for making waves. and if you don’t make any waves going to point B, when you do make it, were you really true to yourself?
a great big gust comes up. several leaves smack me in the back. i have some new companions for a moment on the table. so i am thinking about points C to Z and then some. maybe even revisiting some old points. sounds like a midlife crisis. hopefully this means i’m dealing with this so i don’t have one. midlife crisis is kind of funny when you think about it. what’s so special about midlife that it gets the market on crisis? i’ve had crises all my life as far as i can remember.
no crises at the moment. so i stare straight up for awhile. the clouds rolling by. and every so often i get a brief interlude of the sky. stars. deeper navy blue patches flashed by the moving white puffs. throw in a leaf blowing by for accent now and again. i bet i look crazy laying back and looking up. who cares. some of the most serenest moments in my life have been doing this very thing. you can get lost in the night sky. you can get found in the night sky. i find the night sky far more intimate. i just do. don’t know why. my new companions…. the oak leaves and the maple leaf… they just leaped and twirled away. a clean sweep. the table is bare. me. the pansies. and no leaves. they have all left. off to mingle again. i like the idea of a clean sweep. jumping and swirling and mingling away from whatever i want to get away from… i can’t believe i just wrote that. that is the problem. getting away from something gets you nowhere. it is much better to get to something. that’s the goal.
for the leaf, falling from the tree is just the beginning. and there is no set way to fall. it could be carried for a mile or it could fall straight down. we may have to settle for the trajectory that carries us…. but after that we can swirl about, change up and gather again. that part me make our own… and we make our own way. and if we are lucky, we make the most of it. so as silly as it sounds, imagine… being a leaf… at the moment it lets go of its family tree. falling… floating… swirling… beginning a journey… as it rests for the first time on solid ground.
heart jeffery
Add comment October 21, 2009
fall 2001
early morning. out on my deck. the sun is only a glow. no rays of light yet. saturday, october 20th. the traffic noise has not yet achieved its constant hum. there is only a slight passerby. you can hear a car in the distance. it peaks… rushes by and wanes… back to quiet. i am very aware of the quiet these days. life seems quieter. in the grocery store… in the park… our day to day lives have taken on a bit of quietness as our routine. but the quietness is not about solitude. it is about reflection… worry… and even hope for what may come. and this is where i find myself today… on the brink of fall… as the foliage contemplates and hints at the change in color it will display. fall officially began on september 21st this year. but how can you look at the word september and not see the number eleven. for me fall began on september 11th. fall is about change. fall is about preparing to go dormant. our world did change. and for me personally, i know parts of myself went dormant. there were feelings and emotions i could not express… i could not touch.
working at cnn, i was surrounded by images of the tragedy. in the news business, the show must go on. it’s the same for everyone at home watching also. there is no time to linger. this reminds me of a story a vietnam veteran once told me. two soldiers, who are friends, go into battle and one is killed. the other soldier has no time to think about it… to linger… to grasp the moment… to say goodbye. the soldier has to continue fighting. the situation demands it. it is only later that the soldier can replay the event in his mind. it is only later that the devastation becomes real. i have never forgotten that veteran’s story and the emotion that filled him while he told it. a news event like this… on a much smaller level… does create this experience for all of us. we are never really able to digest what has happened in the moment because of the flurry of facts and visuals that keep coming our way. in the news world, there is eventually an embargo put on the worst images from a tragedy like this. because as viewers, when we come out of the shock of what we’ve seen… and grasp the situation… the reality…. we cannot take the constant barrage of those images.
i recall several people saying, “it was like a movie.” in some respects looking at those images… it did look like a movie. but over time the reality of what happened started to sink in. i remember a cnn reporter who was at the armory in new york city interviewing the desperate families and friends who were looking for lost loved ones. they were holding pictures of the missing and were pleading for anyone to help them. the reporter was so moved by the situation she was reporting on, that she cried during her live shot. i cried in my office. the reporter became a participant in the emotion of the moment and that helped make it real for me. if journalism is supposed to be about the facts… well those facts were heartbreaking… those facts brought tears.
i don’t want to dwell on september 11th… but i could not find a way to put it aside in my writing. i felt somehow i needed to acknowledge it. like the way people seem to acknowledge each other more these days. i find people making eye contact with me more often. maybe partially out of fear because people want to know who is around them… but i think it has more to do with the fact that people want to feel connected. so back to fall…it is about change… about dormancy. but ultimately it becomes a process for renewal. with major reflection comes rebirth. and with all the reflection that has gone on in all our minds over the past few months, each one of us will be reborn in our own way…
so today i will begin to gather leaves. to send to friends who live in warm climates that do not bring the brilliance of fall. a routine in my life that continues. a small way for me to signal that my life goes on. there are a couple oak and maple leaves resting on the deck in front of me. this will be the last weekend that the deck will be the jungle that it is right now. the houseplants will migrate inside. the basil will be chopped into pesto. as i sit here, all i can smell is rosemary. the plant is right beside me. and its fragrance permeates the air. my coffee even tastes like is has the aroma of rosemary. steam rises out of my coffee cup challenging the crisp chill in the air. there is a definite coolness to the morning. everything on the deck is drenched in dew. the sun creeps over the house next to me and touches me with the first golden rays of the morning. the coolness of the air collides with the warmth of the sun against my skin giving me goosebumps for a moment… and a chill rushes through me… then my body adjusts and starts to soak up the sun. the dogs reposition themselves on the deck to get full exposure and they start to soak up the sun too. the maple tree that hovers over my house has a couple red patches right at the very top and then on two branches at the bottom. these are the very places it started to change last year. i wonder if trees follow a certain pattern as they begin to change each year? i am planning the same route for gathering leaves this year. i will have to investigate this….
wednesday, october 24
there is a pattern from last year to this year. the park by my house… brown park… the sycamore tree was already baring its branches to the sky leaving a pile of dark rich brown leaves around its trunk. the oak trees are the biggest inhabitants at this park. their leaves were starting to grace the ground. i like to watch the oak leaves fall. the points in their leaves tend to create a pinwheel affect as they spiral to the ground. their color was also brown. a bit shinier than the sycamore though. i remember last year… all this brown at my feet… was now at my feet again. but every so often a splash of yellow would catch my eye. the work of a few sugar maples nestled in this grove of oaks and one sycamore. the yellow leaves did stand out. but they also enriched the brown tapestry that they and i were woven into for the moment. just like last year. it was amazingly the same. how comforting that an exact moment of beauty could resurrect itself. the next stop, the maple tree by my laundromat. the midday sun burned a glorious spotlight on the shimmering orange display. memory and reality met again, as i pulled up to the maple tree. its leaves were as orange as a pumpkin, while all the trees around still held their green. two dogs drooling out my car window while i picked leaves from the ground and from the tree. picture perfect. just like last year. a sole orange burning bush against the green tree line surrounding. i stopped by piedmont park to check on the maple tree that took the color yellow for its own while other trees around hesitated to show their fall farewell. like last year, it was the only tree that had fully let go to fall’s wild abandon. fall was arriving… as it was meant to… i was gathering my leaves…. a routine that i do. fall is a change of season… but there is a pattern to it. we tend to keep patterns in our lives too… even as we change. it seems nature does keep an internal clock. the coming and going of seasons are not random. as we are not random.
now i am on my deck. the sun is gone. i have a glass of wine. candles burn. my maple tree hovers over me…displaying its splashes of red… a prelude to what will come. there is a symphony going on around me. the crickets sing their praise to the night…to fall. every so often an acorn from the tree by the house falls onto the deck… hitting… echoing… and then the calm of the night returns. once again, i am very aware of the quiet. i reflect on life… i worry… but mostly i hope… for solitude to return. i look straight up. the clouds are rushing by… as a breeze begins to brush against me. it is still warm at the end of this indian summer day. but there is a coolness to the breeze. once again i have goosebumps. but this time it is warm going to cold that is the cause. my body adjusts to the breeze. the goosebumps go away. a cold front is blowing in. the breeze picks up… i can feel the chill and i can smell the earthiness that it carries. a very tangible sign that fall is here. it is nature’s way. nature’s pattern. and i find it comforting that amidst all that has happened… amidst all this change… there are patterns to life and it does continue on. tomorrow the air will be crisp… and the coolness will linger into the daytime. i will wear a jacket. autumn will set in signaling a seasonal change. as we all change… reflect and renew.
Add comment October 19, 2009
fall 2000
fall 2000
catchy title. fall 2000. seems that every event this year has had the lovely 2000 added to its title. though it seemed so significant with all the media hype before… i now see the 2000 as a memory stamp… allowing me to catch a few more memories about where i was and what i did in this year. not because they were more important but because of the so-called sign of the times. fall 2000 in atlanta, georgia. this fall found me completely settled in a new town…living in a new house… making new friends… and at the same time leaving me even fonder of those who have crossed my path and stayed in my life. it is that silly little age thing catching up with me i guess. there is comfort in people who have known you as the journey of life goes on.
my journey begins….the gathering of leaves… even though it is the middle of october… fall is just beginning here. and so to is the time frame and mentality of fall in the south. maybe it is my northern willingness to accept and prepare for the fall the stays with me that makes this different for me. it seems the state of mind here in the south is a challenge in regards to what fall brings. the challenge i feel and see as i start my collecting of leaves. i only had to step out my back door to see the foliage change. a lovely maple greeting me with such wonderful red crimson. but not the whole tree. just little patches here and there. not a very willing participant in the wild fall abandon. just a hint. and the dry summer leading into a wet fall has brought the grass back to a brilliant green and the flower beds are in full glory and full bloom. as if somehow spring had returned. my basil and oregano, once withered, were in wild abundance again… flavoring my pesto with their wonderful flavor. among all of this, my maple tree was giving a preview of the colors to come. so the first of its brilliant kaleidoscopes spinning to earth have landed in my hands. onto the park by my house i ventured next. a quiet little vignette of peace nestled in our neighborhood. until i arrived with my two labs… towing me. we blew through the park like the fall wind that i am accustomed too. me finding leaves and them finding old tennis balls. the hunt was on… on this sunny 80+ degree sunday in october. the hint of color around me… the first of what would be a colorful display that would take me into november. i held the first strains of fall in my hands. gathered and walked on. well was pulled on. excitement brewed as we scoured the park. other dogs barked… squirrels ran… the sun beat down upon us… life was pretty vibrant. the peace was interrupted. no cool wind to nip at my cheeks in a quiet park. it did not feel like fall. but it did smell like fall. that distinct feature was present. in the air. in the leaves in my hand. that could not be wiped away. i drove home and ran across a maple starting its orange shower. stopped to linger in its beauty on the side of the road. i gathered. and the dogs drooled out both my windows. what a mess. but we were all happy.
the gathering continued into the next day… after work… in the big park… piedmont park… hundreds of people running… rollerblading… walking dogs… kids laughing … running…life was exuberant. no jackets… no worries… people just so full in the moment of another beautiful day ending. the patches of color above their heads seem to offer only a cap to the wonder of the day. not the fall… the preparation… the marking of something ending that i am so accustomed too. they seem to suspend their beliefs that fall was coming… their shear will resonated around me and carried the day by me. this is what i spoke of earlier… how they see fall. i liked the attitude around me. i liked the challenge. i liked the thought of life going on… soaking up every moment of beauty until it leaves you. that was different. not accepting or preparing for the fall like i knew of on the farm as a kid… just riding it out until the change comes… but at the same time i wonder about this so-called everlasting bliss… i know the squirrel feels differently. i find good qualities in both. but in life these are not easy emotions to keep in parallel. it is a constant struggle between the two. live in the moment. live in reality. how about just live? so i am left to ponder. no real answers. just a different feeling. a new feeling that i will remember and look back on… for no special reason but the fact it was fall 2000.
so i made my way out of the park. so many leaves gathered. so many thoughts gathered. and suddenly before me is a small maple. completely ablaze. yellow that burned vibrantly in the closing moments of the sunset. fall in total… the look… the feel… and the smell. it was familiar. and it stood out. kind of like me. the interesting man who is walking about picking up leaves and putting them in his bag. filling it for what? i guess they all wonder as they walk by. i just smile at them. if they only knew that these leaves were like friends… going to friends… sharing what i consider to be my favorite season. the last song on the don henley says it best. “i am not longer wallowing in the spring but i am looking to the fall.” i felt that… picking the leaves… for the bright colors… i no longer searched for perfection. leafs with rips , holes, spots… all made there way into my treasure chest. they are a measure of distinction. and it is something you appreciate with age. i feel like those leaves some days. a bit tattered… but beautiful bright with color. time has left its marks on me but friendship has added the bright color.
you will find the bright yellow maple leaf in your hands from the tree in full fall glory from the park. you will find the tulip and the elms leaves like the ones that graced my front yard when i was a kid. they are also here in atlanta. and the crimson red maple that awaited me at my back door. and many other leaves. they are all here in georgia. but you will not find the treasured gingko leaf. i did not find it in my search… my travels. the golden ribbed fan-shaped leaf. but on the other hand you will find the magnolia leaf. a georgia trademark. so like friends i miss like the gingko to the new friends i’ve made like the magnolia… life goes on… and i am blessed and rich in the experience… whether my approach is soaking up the beauty until the last drop and then moving on or if i decide to plan for the upcoming season of my existence… either way… with my friends i am blessed and rich in the experience. so i share these leaves as a gathering of our lives… true friends… our paths are scattered but along the way we find each other…from time to time… from season to season… each in our own way we get there… with each other.
Add comment October 17, 2009
